How many times have writers of all ages, ability, and publishing status heard these words or something like them*? This is probably the most irritating statement you could ever make in a writer’s presence. (At least, I can’t think of a worse one. Even a bad review is better than that.)

I am a (mostly) unpublished writer. And even I have heard this.You might as well just punch me right in the gut. It would have the same effect.

You see, writing a novel is a job. It’s a skill. It’s something that writers work very, very hard for. It’s not something one can complete in a day, or a week, or even a month**. In order to write well, one must do even more than that – a writer must complete one or two or seven or more novels before they come close to being publishing ready.

Most people believe writing is easy. And in every day life, it mostly is. Anyone can scratch out a note, make a list, or dash off an email. That lulls most ordinary people into the perception that writing a novel would be easy. It’s just a long letter, right?

Then again, I can run, but that doesn’t convince me that I could be a professional athlete. I can do a bit of 3D animation, but I wouldn’t just decide one day that I was going to go work for Pixar, either. I can tell you the symptoms of the common cold but that doesn’t automatically give me the knowledge and dedication that it takes to become a doctor. Why in the world do people remain convinced that absolutely anyone could write a novel and get it published with a wave of their hand – “if [they] only had the time”, of course?

“I could make up a great story like that, man!” Said with a snap of the fingers.And maybe you could. Far be it from me to try to crush anyone’s dreams. In fact, the first couple of times I heard this presumptuous statement, I tried to be encouraging and excited for the speaker. I pointed them toward NaNoWriMo and bestowed heartening words that I thought might help them toward their professed big dream.

After dealing with two or three of these people, though, I realized something. These people have no intentions of ever sitting down to write. They have absolutely no concept of the amount of work it takes to actually do the thing that they’re talking about. Nowadays, I just give those people a pained smile and change the subject.

It’s the equivalent of someone who knows the basics of folding a paper airplane deciding they are going to build a Boeing jet in their back yard. Yeah, they might be able to do it one day. But right now, they have no idea of the hard work, the dedication, the blood-sweat-and-tears, the money, the long hours, the putting-off-of-doing-the-dishes, the self-doubt, the despair, the thrill, the joy, the heartache, and the team of devoted professionals it takes to construct a whole new world one tiny wheel-sprocket-nut-bolt verb-adjective-noun-metaphor at a time and then to release the whole beautiful thing into the wild.

I’m not saying don’t do it. In fact, if that’s your dream, then you shouldn’t let me or anyone stop you. But please, for the sake of my sanity, don’t dismiss it as a simple, easy thing to do. It’s not.

*Rant inspired by the wise, hilarious, and read-worthy Patrick Rothfuss.

**Yes, I do know about NaNoWriMo. I love it. I have participated every year since 2004. This DOES NOT mean that your NaNovel is ready to go out on submission to agents or editors on December 1st.

Let me state plainly that my personal opinion is that those people who are accusing Kim¹ of being a liar are acting like entitled, conceited, selfish little witches². Note that I say acting like because I don’t know these people personally, so I can’t say that they ‘are’ anything. I can only base my opinion on what I’ve seen and heard of their behavior on the internet. And that behavior has been appalling.

Regardless of her reasons – which I understand to be a combination of personal family safety issues and the trends of the market³ – the use of a pen name (or not) is an author’s choice and has absolutely nothing to do with the quality of what’s between the pages. An alias can be used on a book for any of dozens of reasons, and all of them are valid. Yes, including the “she just wanted to dress up and mess with people” one.

But you know what? I don’t believe that last one of Kim at all. I’ve been following Kim’s work since Dead Witch Walking first turned up on book store shelves. I’ve watcher her interact with fans online for years and even met her in person several times. I will say I do not know her, but I feel that I have learned enough to say that Kim has been one of the kindest, most genuine authors I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting.

Now, as a (part-time, mostly unpublished) author myself, I’ve spent time drawing my own conclusions from the pen name debate. I considered using one and ultimately discarded the idea. Why? Because the truth is much too easy to find on the internet. If I someday do end up selecting a nom de guerre for marketing or other reasons, I foresee being mostly open about that fact. However, the ultimate decision is a personal one, and I would expect my fans to respect that.

I find this current trend of outrageous entitlement in regard to an author’s life and behavior appalling and offensive. We purchase their books for the stories, people. Authors are not selling us stake in their personal lives. The money we spend on the book(s) entitles us to the words on the cover and the ones between the pages and nothing more. To quote Neil Gaiman: “[Authors are] not your bitch.”

If an author wants to play Xbox 360 all day instead of writing the next book in their series, discuss their sex lives on the internet (though I don’t recommend that one) or even pretend to be someone who’s not backed up by the information on their birth certificate°, well then guess what? You don’t get a say on that. Feel free to take your diatribes off to a corner of the internet where you can kick and scream. That’s what it’s for, right? But personally attacking the author on his or her website, mailing list, Facebook page or anywhere else they have an online presence is not only disrespectful but makes you look like an idiot. One in which I will take great joy in mocking.

So jump off your high horses and try not to break your necks on the way down, my dears. Once you’ve gained your equilibrium again, come back here later this week for an article on the best new authors I’ve just read (and now you should, too).

“It doesn’t matter how good or bad the product is; the fact is that people don’t read anymore. Forty percent of the people in the U.S. read one book or less last year.”

Yet business seems to be booming for those in the book publishing world. The NY Times reported that:

In 2008, book publishing will bring in about $15 billion in revenue in the United States, according to the Book Industry Study Group, a trade association.

Not such a dinosaur after all, are they Mr. Jobs? Speaking as someone who owns well over 700 books of all shapes, sizes and genres, I find it offensive that Steve Jobs thinks that Americans don’t read. My entire circle of close friends (nearly 20 people!) are all extensive readers and I have many more acquaintances who enjoy reading a book now and then– certainly more than one a year!

That’s why I plan on joining the rallying cry to prove Mr. Jobs wrong, along with everyone else who thinks as he does. See this post for more info on joining up. I’ll also be tracking my 50 books on this site. Please see my tracking page here.

If you have any comments on this, I’d love to hear them. Please consider posting a comment, some support, or a link to your own 50 book challenge.

1. Do not make personal calls from the stall. People in the room to take care of business do not want to hear yours. The person on the other line does not want to hear flushing. This rule includes talking to your friend as well as calling the credit card company, the telecommunications company, or the video store. (Yes, I have heard all of these topics discussed in the next stall over.) The worst thing is being the person in the next stall needing to flush but not wanting to be rude. My rule on this? If you’re on your cell phone in the restroom, you’ve already proven you’re rude. Flush away, people.
2. Do not do your business standing up (ladies’ room only). The person who comes in after you does not want to sit in your DNA. No, you aren’t talented enough to do this and not make a mess. Don’t even try it. And for Pete’s sake, make it into the toilet– not all over the floor! If your cheeks are too holy to touch the seat, that’s what the thousands of paper covers are for. Use them. This is an office building, not a rock concert and there should be no alcohol involved.
3. Wash Your Hands. (This is for men, too!) Yes, I capitalized that one on purpose. This is just gross. Don’t want to be the only person in the office next week? Then prevent the spread of the next Black Plague by washing your freaking hands before leaving. WITH SOAP. Any teenage fast food worker could tell you: Proper hand washing consists of: warm water, antibacterial soap, disposable towels, and 20 seconds of scrubbing. Sing ‘Happy Birthday‘ twice if you have to. Just don’t do it out loud.
4. No conversing through stall walls. This one is mostly broken by the ladies. There is a time and a place to gossip. This is not it. Not only is it revolting to be speaking with someone while doing #1, (Let alone #2!) but you never know who’s in the last stall listening in. It’s only smart to keep your conversations somewhere you can guarantee they’ll stay private.
5. Brushing your teeth. The jury’s still out over whether this is a faux pas or not; but one thing is clear. Rinse the damn sink when you’re finished. This isn’t your personal bathroom, and the next person who comes in doesn’t want to stare at your used up toothpaste. Blech.
6. Don’t spray buckets of perfume/cologne all over. Yes, we know what you’re trying to cover up. No, it’s not working. Sometimes, the perfume smells worse than what you were trying to hide. Not to mention that you have to spray a gallon of the stuff to make a dent, and by that time, the next person to come in ends up with an allergy-triggered migraine for the rest of the damn day. (Yes, that’s ME!)
7. Follow the unspoken placement rule. This is an undocumented guideline. Count how many stalls there are. Four? Five? The last two are always used for… ‘longer downloads’. The first two or three are normally used for quick visits. This is adjusted, of course, based on current occupancy. As the saying goes, “If you gotta go, you gotta go.” If you must, take whats available; but try to keep this small piece of etiquette in mind.
8. Leave your coffee mugs and water bottles outside. There’s nothing more disgusting then bringing something you put in your mouth into the space where you do your business. It may be one thing to do it at home, when you can be relatively certain of cleanliness; but at the office? How do you know the cleaning crew got around to wiping down that ledge below the mirror?
9. Clean up after yourself. If you dribble on the seat, wipe it up. If you drop a paper towel pulling one from the dispenser, pick it up. Please don’t leave tampon wrappers on the floor. Each stall has a waste bag for that for a reason. Some of us like to pretend that we’re not stepping into a cesspool and risking our health every time we need to pee. Help maintain the illusion but not leaving anything disgusting behind.
10. All users are created equal. What does this mean? It means your direct supervisor, the department head, and the company president (or anyone in between) probably does not want to chit-chat with you while they’re taking care of their own business. In this space, all people are created equal. Unless one of your superiors speak to you first, smile and nod and keep your trap shut. Do your flattering in the meeting room; not the restroom. Your boss(es) will thank you.